Thursday, September 13, 2012

Breaking News: Malaysian Politician Invents New Sexual Orientation

Above: The controversial AKB48 Candy CM  (Photo pinched from the internet without asking for permission)
Something so mindbogglingly amusing showed up in my Facebook feed today that managed to break through my usually impermeable Armour of Sloth (though obviously it did nothing to get rid of my fondness for labeling dull things in geekishly awesome ways).
Back on point: Our oh so beloved and ineffably wise government has just endorsed/published (this point isn't very clear at the moment) a list to help parents spot budding homosexuality in their cherubic little periwinkles.

Here's how to spot gays:
(i) Muscular body and a fondness for showing off the body by wearing clothing, such as by wearing V-necks and sleeveless tops
(ii) A preference for tight and bright coloured clothes
(iii) An inclination to be attracted to men
(iv) A tendency to carry big handbags, similar to the kind used by women

Oh boy. Everyone's online is hopping mad right now, and justifiably so. Let's break this down, shall we? On point one: I don't have a muscular body (mine's only vaguely muscular- I prefer adjectives such as lithe, gamine, sleek), but I do like V-necks. No particular reason why. I don't wear sleeveless tops, because compulsory vaccination at age 12 leaves a permanent mark on the shoulder of all Malaysians, and though mine is rather faint, I don't like showing it off. In any case I don't think I'd wear them- armpit hair and all that.

Point two: Yup. I like tight clothes. Not too tight, though. I do have some baggy clothes, but I'll be damned if I'd ever have to wear gigantic over-sized clothes like some stereotypical baseball uniform wearing ghetto rapper. On a side note, people showing off their ugly underwear or buttcracks without gravity-loving loose pants should be shot on sight. Just saying. I'm Stalinist like that.

Point three: We're talking about gays, right? Well... duh. Look who's role-playing as Captain Obvious.

Point four: Yep. Are you talking about the ridiculously dubbed manbags? The name doesn't appeal to me, but I'd much rather have a bag with a lame name rather than a heavy box that carries nothing but a few files and folders that you secretly wish had 'top secret' marked on in your CEO's blood (briefcase) or the patented Indirect Personal Space Maxification Storage Device, otherwise known as the Innocent Molestation Appendage, or by the common misnomer, backpack.

To be fair, how to spot lesbians:
(i) Showing attraction to women
(ii) Distancing themselves from women other than their girlfriends
(iii) A preference for hanging out, sleeping, and dining with women
(iv) Absence of feelings for men

Again, on point one: Duh.

Point two: I wasted some valuable brain cells trying to figure out whether this means that lesbians despise their mothers and sisters.

Point three: Again, duh, but for a different reason. Women usually have more in common with other women. More variables in play here, but it generally holds true, despite the inherent sexism.

Point four: Well, this can't be helped, can it? When it comes to women, most men are asses. Blast it, even with women out of the picture, I still think the majority of the male population are horrible hogs. Gays and straight men both. All hogs. I'm openly sexist and biased on this point- of course, women can be hogs as well... wait, sows?

To wrap things up- I am not writing this with an altruistic notion of speaking up for the LGBT community. I couldn't care less, except in a mildlyannoyedwiththelevelofstupidityofpeopleinpower way (in one word for extra emphasis, in case you haven't realised- it's a literary technique called 'liberty of making things up').

I probably would care if I had any homosexual friends or relatives. Yes, my dear BFF, become a gay/lesbian and I will fight for you. Until then, my motivation is completely selfish: almost all the above points can be applied to me, with some qualifications. Which would, I suppose, make me a 'glesbian', which come to think of it could be an appealing term, given how it sounds like thespian.

Back on point, stupid people will read this, look at me, and think, "oh look, that's a classic example of a glesbian". I'm actually fine with that. Stupid people think stupid thoughts all the time, and they can continue thinking stupid thoughts as long as they don't affect my life. What I don't like is how there's this guide on how to classify people.

You probably think I'm some sort of neo-communist by now. Of course, I can't be, because communists (at least, communists as originally envisioned by the chap with the amazing beard) aren't selfish people like me. I just believe that by all the laws of common sense, rationality, intuition, privacy, cosmic, and anything even smacking of legalese, the only person or entity who should be allowed to classify me is, well, me.


  1. Your government sounds about as mature as my own (I'm American) We are all human which is a common theme behind "the stupid" that is running rampant throughout the world right now.

    1. I feel your pain. To be capable of intelligence is to be capable of stupidity. 'Dumb' animals really do lead a simpler and easier life.