Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Man of Steel, winner of the "unintentionally came off as a comedy, but wasn't very funny, actually" movie of the year award

Movie review time. Excuse me if it seems more like a bashing though. 2013's Man of Steel was the highly anticipated (by Supes fans at least) reboot of the Superman franchise. With Batman, Iron Man, and the Avengers having financially paid off for their respective producers- even the recent movie length Sony commercial starring a certain friendly neighbourhood Spider-man was passable- it didn't take long for the the big daddy of costumed superheroes to jump into line.

That being said, I wasn't particularly interested in watching this film. I was actually more interested in the Thor 2 trailer shown before the movie- back on point, I only ended up watching Man of Steel because a local  mall gave me free tickets (not exchangeable for cash) through a lucky draw I wasn't counting on winning. Whatever. Free tickets, how can I complain? Have an imaginary drum roll before treating yourself to my thoughts, numerically labeled in no relevant order for your convenience.

#01: Interesting way of showing Clark Kent's origin through random flashbacks- that definitely made the Smallville part more bearable to watch, instead of forcing it all down in one go. Unlike the prologue.

#02: Speaking of the prologue, I can't help but feel that the animators went bonkers making the whole scene where his parents sent him off to Earth before Kyrpton blew up. Long, tiring, and overdone.

#03: Finnish phone maker Nokia stole the show by having in-show product placement, compared to Sony, Samsung, and HTC, who only managed to squeeze into the pre-show commercials.

#04: Clark really doesn't care much about keeping his identity secret. It's only when Lois Lane finds out does he bother to put on a battered baseball cap to hide his face. Which is of no help. Maybe he subconsciously wants everyone to know who he really is? Hmm. Deep stuff. Let's not go there.

#05: Even while on a pedestal, the updated Superman has a huge penis bulge. Quite amazingly, the bulge didn't get bigger when he put it on, though of course I didn't have any motivation to keep track of it throughout the show. Perhaps those of you who did notice can share the facts with the rest of us.

#06: Tony Stark had more fun testing out his first true Iron Man suit in his garage than Clark did jumping around in the Arctic. Or Antarctic. Or a Hollywood icebox. Wherever.

#07: An Incredible Hulk vs Man of Steel long jump/high jump contest would be rather amusing, actually.

#08: Probably the hardest decision the producers had was whether to keel Clark's chest hair in our out of the suit. They went with the latter option, in case you were wondering.

#09: It's not just me. Everyone else seems to think that Warner Bros tried to portray Superman as Jesus. If so, General Zod wasn't much of an Anti-Christ.

#10: Yeah yeah, I know looks aren't everything, but Lois Lane just looks too frumpy. Then again almost all every actress in the entire Superman franchise pales in the looks department when you think of Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk) and Chloe Sullivan (Allison Mack) from Smallville.

#11: Speaking of Smallville, Henry Cavill is bigger than Tom Welling. Yikes. Come to think of it, I kinda pity Dean Cain for having to be compared to these Kryptonians.

#12: What in blazes are you doing, telling Zod how to adapt to Earth's atmosphere. Tactical dolt.

#13: So the Kryptonian Codex (google it, I'm not going to explain) has been entwined with Clark's DNA. Assuming there's a sequel, and Clark and Lois have a woohoo (excuse my Simlish) session, Lois is essentially making out with an entire species- ehhh.

#14: So Jor-El's plan to save the world is to create a black hole? Black holes go out with a very big bang when they expire, but of course Jor-El is a lot smarter than Stephen Hawking, right? Well, OK. Maybe the validity of Hawking's black hole theory is still up for debate, but come on.None of the characters on screen so far as batted an eyelid when the plan was announced. They all acted as if it was the most natural thing ever. Let's make a black hole? But of course!

#15: Come to think of it, I'm actually rather impressed that the military didn't even think to resort to nukes. Bunch of environmentalists, I guess.

#16: The World Engine is essentially a giant pile driver. In case you're confused, I am not referring to the wrestling move.

#17: To wrap things up, see the following screenshot. He hovers close to the ground, then launches himself at Zod, thus establishing that Kryptonians are exempt from the Law of the Lever (pivots, fulcrums, and all that). You could argue that Earth's atmosphere is close enough to that of a vacuum for him to launch himself simply by twitching his toes as if they were jet engines, but by that logic he should have a hard time staying in bed at night. In any case, you have to admit that it just looks silly. What more can I say.


  1. You're not drinking the Superman Kool aide I see :)

    Same dude who zipped around the earth until it counter rotated thus spinning back time which ignores what time manipulation is and the fact that everything would fly off the surface of the earth if Superman ever did that shit cuz a chick died....that was in a film like 20 years ago :(

    1. I remember it- watched that film ages ago. That scene could well be the crowning pinnacle of WTFness:)