In which I Pretend to be a Foreign Affairs Adviser (And Fail Miserably)

Image credit to yam-potong

I feel like complaining about something today, so why not complain about the most populous nation on the planet? Cut them some slack, you say. People bitch about China every other day. The US nags them like a stuck-up princeling whingeing for extra cash to pay for yet another sex trip in Colombia- oh dear me, now I've pissed off three countries. Jolly good progress, though I suppose I better get to the point before someone declares World War III against me.

So which silly act of China will I be criticizing, then? No, not Foxconn, even though I don't think much of Apple. What I will be talking (to a wall, I presume) about is China's ridiculous claim over the entire world. Well, a huge chunk of it, really.

In much the same way that the old European colonialists frolicked across the seven seas in search of little islands to plant their flags on and lay claim to as intercontinental land-based toilets, so did the Chinese ages ago. The difference is that even today they still think they own the uninhabited little rocks. "But look at the British", you say. "What about the Falklands?" Three major differences: The Falklands is inhabited, it's big, and the people there actually rather like being British.

Image credit to UNCLOS and CIA, and maybe a little to BBC

Check this out here- I stole it from the BBC, who in turn (probably) stole it from the, uh, UNCLOS (whoever they are), and the CIA. This map shows China's claim over pretty much the entire South China Sea- no, not because it's got the word 'China' in it, though they would like to think so. Just imagine China claiming China Town in each country with the (mis)fortune of having one.

The UNCLOS 200 nautical mile Exclusive Economic Zone looks like a pretty good idea, despite how iffy it gets hen countries are situated close to each other. Looking at the map above, without bothering about historical flag pokers or fictional modern rules, based on common sense alone, China should have nothing to do with the Spratlys or the Scarborough Shoal, which is where they've picked their latest fight.

China vs Philippines. It's pretty obvious who would win in an all-out fight, notwithstanding the fact that Manila and Washington are great chums. Whatever. I'm not going to bother talking about how unlikely a war breaking out is. My problem is that there's already a ridiculous constellation cutting across the sea, and China's just making things worse by trying to draw a big sac across the entire region. They're claiming the entire coastline of the Philippines and Vietnam- crazy buggers.

...well, what do you know. In the midst of doing random things, I've forgotten what I was going to say next. I do remember this, though: My solution for the fight for Jerusalem was to nuke the place and not let anyone have it. This is a lot closer to home though, so excuse me for being a little biased. So what's the solution, then, other than for China to be a lot less annoying in claiming territory?

Come to think of it, I wonder why Malaysia (where I'm from) hasn't made much noise. Manila has sent some ragdoll warships, China something big with guns, Vietnam has always been bristling at the border, and Malaysia? We bought a submarine for fun, might as well send it over to say howdy.

...and if it crashes into a sandbar, the first one to send a rescue team gets ownership of the South China Sea (as if it's ours to give). Now wouldn't that be sweet?