Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Contrary to popular belief, chain-mail bikinis don't always work wonders

'Cos nothing says Steamboat Dinner more than a chainmail bikini
Warning: This post will contain some gruesome images, which may or may not affect your appetite. Also, if the sight of a chain-mail bikini causes copious amounts of blood to flow from your nasal cavities, I advise you to stay away. However, the text content of this post is relatively harmless fictional nonsense superimposed on real-life events, and has nothing whatsoever to do with a buxom warrior running around stabbing demons, though that is what I may make it out to be...

Twas a hot and sweaty week in the grim city of Kirkwall- and what better way to celebrate such nauseous weather with a meal of steamboat with her trusty companions, thought the Champion of Kirkwall. However appealing the thought of getting some improvised sauna treatment for her face over good meal of suspiciously formed meats and vegetables, she was leery of the thought of actually planning the actual event, having experienced great difficulties in the past, more difficult than even slaying an arch-demon could possibly be.
Aveline: "Oh, ignore her."
 Thus she laid out her plans carefully, with nothing left to chance. The event was laid out well in advance- the date was set for the twentieth day of the tenth month of the year of the Dread Rabbit. The resident Steamboat Master was given the chance to determine that, being the one character most difficult to get hold of.
Marian: "No hard feelings, Demon. You're just cheap therapy."
Fate did not smile upon the Quest, however. The Steamboat Master pulled out, claiming that there was a logarithmic error on a cosmic scale- the dates in his magically powered hermeneutic engagement codex pulled a fast one on him. He would not be able to make it on the date that he suggested, that he was given the privilege to select. Naturally, the Champion was furious, but after stomping on some zombie flesh she was in a better disposition and decided to respond charitably.
Marian: "By the power vested in it, I summon ye, dinner companions!"
With the Steamboat Master out of the picture, the Champion had to come up with an alternative plan, never mind the fact that most of her good intentions come to naught, due to reasons that she can never satisfactorily communicate, though sometimes, when she is particularly down, she attributes to butchering Darkspawn without valid reason; or maybe because the Maker simply does not approve of her running around Kirkwall without proper clothing, pretending to be Conan bait.

In any case, she took her time to sound out other companions to join her on her Dinner quest. Two of the original team remained committed to the cause, which was a relief- she attempted to contact a few others, but received no response, the silent ones perhaps being too busy with their own quests, to the point that they would not even bother replying to the Champion's call. One other long-time companion, a currently down in the dumps elf, was notified the day before the determined date. And all seemed well, until...
*grimace* "Foiled again!"
The Champion was about to retire for the night, satisfied that everything in her power had been done in order to secure a full group, that the Quest would proceed as planned the day after. However a glance at the pile of mail she had received while she was away said otherwise- yet another of the original team had to abandon the Quest in favor of another mission- and by extension, her long-time mate would naturally drop out as well.

She sensed that more trouble was in store for her. The final companion that she had invited would have to be told that the Quest was off, and she wouldn't take the news lightly. Nevertheless, she was never one to shirk her duties. She tried to get through to the elf, but failed. There being nothing more that she could do, she resigned herself to her fate.
Anders: "Champion's getting roasted. Stay quiet and the elf won't notice us... hopefully."
A horrible fate indeed- a verbal roasting from the elf, though she did nothing to deserve it, other than having her plans fail miserable due to circumstances beyond her control. "Most unfair," she thought, that the others did not feel the heat, being free from the responsibilities of the Architect.
Merrill: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to set the temperature that high- here, let me turn it up a notch"
Nothing like a friendly kiss to heal festering wounds. Not that this happened to the Champion, of course, her derriere still warm from the fiery treatment she received earlier on. Caught in her unintentional time-wasting delusions, she recalled promising herself in the past never to plan a Quest again... a promise she can't seem to keep. Silly fool.
Marian: "Shall we dance, demonscum?"
With these thoughts, she returned to reality. The promise came to mind again- she would strive to plan and commit her companions to a Quest, no matter how many times her plans are foiled. Ah well. Back to demon slaying for the time being, then.... what, were you expecting a review of Dragon Age II? You're as low on luck as the Champion is at planning events, then.

Editor's note: As you can see, this post is not a review of the game. It details the writer's irritation and frustration at planning a dinner with friends (Which failed miserably). It started out as an attempt as light-hearted fan-fiction, but the writer got weary and resorted to short and uninspiring paragraphs, thinking that the resultant titillation from the attached images would be enough to distract most readers. 

The writer is not interested in kissing the elf; running around in a chain-mail bikini (Being a certified male); getting burnt to a crisp (This was done verbally, and was actually rather amusing); or wrestling with demonic beings. Finally, the writer is used to this sort of thing happening, and as such bears no hard feelings for the cancellation (Disappointment fades fast). Oh, and despite the use of screenshots from the game, the writer does not like it very much, and will not be playing it a second time, nor take the time to review it, thank you very much.


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