Thursday, October 13, 2011


Heart on a Plate. Where it Belongs.
Yep, yet another overdue post. For the life of me I can't even remember when it happened- though I can say with some confidence that it took place sometime last year (Probably early 2010)- a little lunch outing cum birthday celebration for me.

I never really cared much for birthday parties and the like till recently- I've even forgotten my own birthday once- but it has grown on me a little. I don't ask for it, nor do I expect it- but I've gotta admit, all the attention is rather nice. As thanks of sorts, there shall be no mercy in the composition of this post, that ye who are being written about may enjoy every word. Have a pinch of salt ready if you like- some nonsensical text is on the way.

It was attended by three expendable males (The entire species being expendable IMO) from class- yes, I'm doing a good job at being an ungrateful bastard, aren't I? Not to forget the photographer/mamarazzi for much of the day, that little thing from Hazel I Bite.
Sweet Nectar of Laxative
When eating at Nandos it is an iron rule that you insist on telling the waiter to drench your meat with the spiciest sauce available. When it arrives, you must then douse it with Garlic Peri-Peri to increase its potency, because otherwise you are a failure as a living, (Presumably) thinking, taste-appreciating, human being, and should not be here in the first place, but if you can't stand spicy food I'll let you off the hook (I'm mean, in a kind way, if you haven't noticed yet).
A Lesson in Consumption
Hold your cutlery whatever way you want- stab away, flip the Meat in the air, and catch it with that hideous looking chasm between the odd looking peaks on your face otherwise known as Chin and Nose. Or you are capable of suppressing your carnivorous tendencies with the usually useless application known as Civility, eat with grace and delicacy like me, being careful not to let anything touch my lips, if only as a challenge.
A Crash Course in Staring Etiquette.
It would be most helpful if you would not stare at the photographer like a rabid hyena, regardless of how strong a hold the Meat has on you. To assist you in your Herculean struggle, sip on a cool drink or arrange peas between your upper and lower teeth- this would presumably cause a smile to form.
A Lesson in Ignorance
You may take a break from Eating to listen to someone deliver a vague and meaningless exclamation. Similarly, you may take a break from Eating to pretend to listen to someone delivering a vague and meaningless exclamation. Of course, you may take a break from Eating to deliver your own vague and meaningless exclamation, but be prepared for your audience to reciprocate. When doing any of the above, it is important that you perform certain actions like licking your cutlery with a glint in your eye, in hopes that the speaker may focus on his Food.
Talk and Food Shall Arrive
When waiting for your Food, it is essential that you indulge in Idle Chit-Chat (ICC) so that the food arrives faster. This is a principle of advanced quantum physics which probably involves a fair discussion of relativity, but a simple explanation should suffice for the purposes of this Guide:

"It is scientifically proven that time moves at a slower pace when the item that you anticipate and know will eventually arrive in due course takes a rather longer time to come than expected. In this case ICC fills up that time by causing the mind to be distracted from calculating the time that it would take for the Food to arrive. This is primarily because Time does not like being rushed, but likes to sneak up on you when you are not paying attention. It goes without saying that you must not question my scientific qualifications and take this statement at face value."
Contrary to the latter half of its name, it is not inedible.
This fine specimen is known as a Chocolate Mudpie. It was kindly donated to me by the tiny little thing in charge of photography that I mentioned earlier and to whom I now feel obliged to re-draw your attention to in case you have forgotten her existence by dint of her size. Though delectable in its own right, it simply cannot compete with its close relative the Chocolate Mudslide from TGI Fridays'. The thought is of course much appreciated, and the writer is most relieved that this celebration was held before face-cake orbital docking became a fashionable practice at such events.
If Made into a Meme, Please Ignore!
At such events, it is customary to have one's picture taken. It is suggested that the mamarazzi's selected prey respond enthusiastically- there is no excuse for not doing so when there is no Food on the table, or when they do not have a missing face. For by preventing the mamarazzi from taking your picture, you allow yourself to become the subject of a meme, as may be seen in the following picture, and have no legal recourse besides wallowing in self-pity, beating yourself up for starting said meme and not being able to take credit for it, or simply for not looking good in the source picture.
This is how you grow a Meme.
To create a meme, the other attendees must recreate the scene. However as per the internationally agreed upon Law of the Meme, there is no need for exact replication, your anatomy or pose may be excused so long as the general theme of the source image is present and easily identifiable.
Meme Burial
However there comes a time when the propagator of the meme must realize that the meme is a short-lived one. In this picture it is apparent that the meme has run its course and must be put down. Do not mourn for a meme, as a meme has no feelings of its own, and does not care if you relegate it to last years' refuse, or inform the world of its existence a year late for whatever reason.
A Clean Slate Plate.
And thus we may conclude this lesson in Consumption and Celebration Guidelines. As a final reminder, do your best to clean up your plate, the above image being an example, and one that is clearly fake as it is too clean to have been used. You may however endeavor to the same heights- history has proven that lofty goals make for better drama when they fail miserably.

Editor's note: I'd almost forgotten how good it feels to write nonsense like this. It has an amazing rejuvenating effect- I should do this more often.

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